forumsthe post boardErm, a story
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Bubblicious (edited Apr 2, 2009)
Here is a story that I wrote like... a few minutes ago. I would appreciate it if some one would read it and tell me what they thought about it, I mean, you can be mean. Just... you know, constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated.

http://bubblybubbs.livejournal.com/601.html

I edited it where I thought it was necessary, and gave them names. I couldn't think of anything, so I gave them my mom's and her friend's names.

It may seem like an outline, but its really something I wrote for language arts class.
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davincipoppalag (Apr 2, 2009)
yea..without character names, it's kinda hard to figure who is thinking. You can use any names and think of better ones later.
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kejoco (edited Apr 2, 2009)
You don't have to give the characters names, but you do have to find a way to differentiate between who is talking. Sometimes you use "he" and "him" in the same sentence referring to different people and it isn't clear who it is you are referring to. you, also had him walking from the funeral to the train station with nothing in between, you need some kind of time gap in between.

you also mention that the "ganster husband" told the narrator about what he was planning, then in the next paragraph you said that the narrator "assumed" the husband wanted her for money. If the husband told the narrator his plans he wouldn't have to assume anything.

The narrator also refers to the woman as the protagonist, but the narrator is clearly the protagonist of your story and someone referring to another character as a protagonist doesn't really make sense and is a little clumsy.

I know you intentionally left a lot of things vague, but with no names or descriptions of the characters there is nothing to tie us to them, there is no reason to care about who these people are.

Its more of a story outline than a story.

These are just my opinions as a reader though, I'm not a writer nor do I claim to be.
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Bubblicious (edited Apr 2, 2009)
Thanks to the both of you :D I'll try to think of some names in a bit, I'm not in a writing mood. Major thanks to you kejoco, I seriously needed some criticism on it, but no one else I asked would read it T_T

Fixed it!!!
 
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