Ever wish your name was different? If my name was Howard I'd dress up in a cummerbund and fez. If my name was Howard, I’d puff all night on funny cigarettes. If my name was Howard, I’d be terrified of getting sucked buck-naked down a drain into a damp, dark world of flesh-eating spiders. If my name was Howard my tattoo would be a working barcode on the palm of my left hand that I would slide across any and all automated price checkers.

For my lady. And no, we do not like the Adolf.